When To Put Kids In Their Own Bed

Regular contributors Jolene Ivey and Leslie Morgan Steiner are joined by special guest Dr. James McKenna, director of the Mother-Baby Behavioral Sleep Laboratory at the University of Notre Dame. They discuss the CDC’s findings and share perspectives on the right time to separate a child from his or her parent at after saying goodnight.

Click on the link below to hear the discussion.  Enjoy!!!

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=100176899&sc=emaf

Dear Rebekah,

This may be a little specific, but to be honest, one of the biggest things I struggled with during the early months after my daughter was born was breastfeeding. It puts a lot of pressure on you to be the sole provider of nourishment for your firstborn child and I always worried about her getting enough. And if I broke down and gave her a bottle, I felt like a failure. With the second one, I have learned to be way more forgiving and give myself a break. Bottle, Breast, either way or both, if your love and care for your little baby, you will have a wonderful bond and he or she will be just fine. Taking care of babies is stressful enough without beating yourself up for not personally satisfying baby’s appetite. I let the bottle be my back up. Oh, and don’t forget how helpful daddies can be. They may do things differently, but they love their babies too and it will help you be a better mommy if you get a little break now and then.

Sincerely,

Sarah in Dallas

Dear Sarah,

Sarah, I want to congratulate you for revealing a part of your experience that is very personal.  The most important thing new mothers can hear is that they are not alone.  So thank you for having the courage to let others learn from you.

Breastfeeding can be a very emotional issue for new mothers.  It can be immensely pleasurable, horribly painful, extraordinarily frustrating, fulfilling, exhausting, joyful, etc.  When a new mom successfully feeds her baby with her own body there is a sense of mastery that is created at a time when everything else in the mother’s life is trial and error.  On the other hand, when breastfeeding does not go well the mother can be left feeling like a failure as you did at times.    

The research shows that breastfeeding is very beneficial for the child.  But here’s what I know, my grandmother and many of yours did not breastfeed.  In the 1950s, formula was the state-of-the-art so the doctors recommended it.  My father, aunts and uncle never had a drop of breast-milk, and they are some of the healthiest people I know…knock wood.  My mother-in-law shocked her mother when she decided to breastfeed her children in the 1970s.    

New moms encounter so many opinions from friends, family, books, doctors and society.  The bottom line is that there is no right or wrong answer.  Breastfeeding is fabulous, but it is not essential.  Every woman must weigh the pros and cons and come up with a decision that makes sense for her life.

Sincerely,

Rebekah Shackney

Helping Women Survive New Motherhood

rebekahshackney.com

rebekah@rebekahshackney.com

917-721-2257

Dear Rebekah,

How do you stop and enjoy the wonder of your new addition when there is so much to do, plan for and learn to insure you are doing the best possible job at raising your child?

Sincerely,

Megan from Mount Holly, NJ

Dear Megan,

Your question is something concerning many working parents.  Its so hard to balance child, home and work.  Here is my suggestion:  Be mindful of the time you have with your child.  Set aside time everyday to be with him and focus solely on him (no phone, TV, making dinner, doing laundry, etc).  When you spend this kind of time with him it will be more enjoyable and meaningful to both of you.  You don’t have to spend an extended period of time if that is not possible…the idea is quality not quantity.  

Sincerely,

Rebekah Shackney, LCSW

Helping Women Survive Motherhood

917-721-2257

Dear Rebekah,

I’d say the toughest thing for me was giving up my career to stay home with my children and learning to think of myself in a new way. I never realized how achievement oriented I was pre-children until I no longer had those achievements around to define me. Mothers deal in a completely different currency - we deal in moments. We craft our children’s realities out of those moments and build our lives out of them. And children grow and change so quickly it seems as if the moment I have one answer, there’s a whole new question. When I no longer had the crutch of work, I experienced a paradigm shift. So many new mothers join their neighborhood playgroups and approach the other mothers just like they approached their prior careers - looking to excel and be the best. The thing is, the best mothers are the LEAST competitive. The best mothers become that way by listening and watching experienced mamas operate and learning to laugh at the absurd, even when it’s us. A sweet Overland Park, Kansas play group of friends set me on the right path and taught me to approach everyone the way I approach my children, with unconditional positive regard. And someday, when I DO return to the workforce, I know I will be more about the achievements of the group rather than the ones I once called my own.

Sincerely,

Andrea from Overland Park, Kansas

Dear Andrea,

Thank you so much for such a thoughtful comment. I really appreciate your input. Many mothers have struggled with the idea of how to measure the work of motherhood (with no pay, no promotions, no grades, etc). I firmly believe this is why many children are so very overbooked with a variety of activities. They may be motivated by the subconscious belief that the measure of the mother is the accomplishments of the child. Unfortunately, this leaves both children and moms running ragged with little downtime…a much needed part of everyone’s life.  Thanks again and good luck in your present and future pursuits.

Sincerely,

Rebekah Shackney, LCSW

Helping Women Survive Motherhood

917-721-2257

Dear Rebekah,

I’ve recently given birth and I’m wondering if it is normal to feel overwhelmed with simple tasks such as leaving the house?  Also, why do I feel sad and can’t seem to stop crying?  Any suggestions would be appreciated.

 Sincerely,

Sheri, New York, NY

Dear Sheri,

First congratulations on your new arrival!  You are entering a challenging and exciting new chapter in your life.

Second, you are not alone.  Many women feel overwhelmed, sad and tearful during the first few days or so after the baby comes.  These symptoms are among those that characterize “Baby Blues”, and likely stem from the hormonal fluctuations that occur after delivery.  Other common symptoms can include mood swings, anxiety, apathy, loss of appetite and difficulty sleeping.  “Baby Blues” often clears up after a few days or a week.  However, the difficulties you described can also be symptoms of Postpartum depression, a serious illness that requires treatment.  Postpartum depression (PPD) can start at anytime during the first year after the baby is born.  In addition to those listed above, symptoms can include thoughts of hurting yourself or the baby, lack of interest in the baby, hopelessness, helplessness and severe guilt.

Sheri, you don’t need to suffer in silence.  You and your baby deserve better.  I’d like to help.  Please contact me and start feeling better today.

Sincerely,

Rebekah Shackney, LCSW

Helping Women Survive Motherhood

rebekah@rebekahshackney.com

Rebekahshackney.com

917-721-2257

The “baby blues” are a temporary state of heightened emotions that effect about half of mew mothers. This usually peaks 3-5 days after giving birth and can last for about 2 weeks. Indications of baby blues include, crying easily, difficulty sleeping, irritability, sadness and edginess. Baby blues are not considered an illness, and do not get in the way of a woman’s ability to care for her baby. The tendency to develop postpartum blues is not connected to a previous mental illness and is not brought on by stress. Still, stress and a history of depression may influence whether the blues go on to become major depression.

Postpartum depression is depression that occurs soon after having a baby.
This condition occurs in about 10-20% of women, usually within a few months of delivery. Risk factors include previous major depression, severe stress, inadequate social support, and previous premenstrual dysphoric disorder (a severe form of PMS).

Symptoms include depressed mood, tearfulness, inability to enjoy pleasurable activities, difficulty sleeping, low energy, change in appetite, suicidal thoughts, feelings of inadequacy as a parent, and impaired concentration.

If you experience postpartum depression, you may worry about the baby’s health and well-being. You may have negative thoughts about the baby and fears about harming the child (although women who have these thoughts rarely act on them). Postpartum depression can impedes a woman’s ability to care for her baby, and if left untreated can create a dangerous situation for mother and child.